Am I Really Doing This?

My inaugural blog post, I know you are trembling with excitement. I think it's crucial to set the stage for who I am, where I am, and why I'm doing this. Let's start from the beginning (sort of).

In 2021, my 35-year marriage was floundering, but we were "Us," I had no doubt we'd make it. I also took a leap of faith and left my job at JP Morgan Chase after 18 years to build a transformation and change management career. My privilege meant I'd never have to work again. This is where you roll your eyes and call me stupid.

In 2022, "Us" became "Me". I had no job, couldn't afford our family home or my car, and my self-esteem was lower than whale shit. I think many women feel this way; I had spent decades pushing down things I wanted for the better good of my family and my paycheck. Who was Kim? What would make me happy, what do I value, what life did I want to build? Big questions. FYI, I do not plan to share the sordid details of our split. That is not my story; it was simply a catalyst.

I'm a pretty practical person. I don't wallow, I just keep moving. Immediately, I decided to focus on growth. Actually, I was focused on survival, with a little bit of growth thrown in. Then, my mother passed away the day after Thanksgiving. Grief was a brand-new emotion for me. I've never truly experienced grief, and it added such a delightful element to my life: grieving a relationship that had started when I was 19, grieving my mother. Everything felt syrupy and slow. On the plus side, during my mom's decline, my dad and I became closer for the first time in years.

How did I handle this? Number one, please note that I know I'm so lucky that while I couldn't afford the family home or my car, I could still buy a home and a car, just those of lesser value. Big deal, right? Number two, survival and growth weren't a straight line. There were great days of "I am woman, hear me roar" and others where I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. Goals would be my ticket out of the chaos—a way to find myself. My goals for 2022 were to heal, learn more independence, rebuild friendships, and get a freaking job. At this point, I just wanted a paycheck to feel safe (I think safety might be a trigger for me).

Healing was Goal #1. That's some painful shit, folks. It turns out you have to do some work and be honest with yourself. For almost a year, I had weekly therapy. Through therapy, I learned to like myself again. It turned out I was somewhat cool. I also learned to celebrate accomplishments big and small. I still go one to two times a month, and occasionally, we tap into something interesting that informs current behaviors.

Celebrating my successes helped me feel more independent; Goal #2. Some of my achievements for that year: I bought a house on my own, reconnected with friends, fixed my own washing machine, tried dating for a few days (FYI, that was a NOPE), assembled tons of furniture, started therapy, and so much more. If you know me well, you know I adore flip charts and Mr. Sketch scented markers, so I started a flip chart list of my accomplishments that I still add to today.

Goal #3 was brutal for me. As an only child, I've never been good at reaching out to others, so this required intentionality. I started inviting people over for dinner or drinks. That turned into lunches and dinners out. Eventually, it turned into a monthly Game Night at my house. In a truly amazing turn, I reconnected with college girlfriends, some of whom I don't think I'd spoken to in over 25 years.

I managed to get a job in October of 2022, reaching Goal #4, a freaking job! The focus of my role was managing change and adoption for technology implementations. It was a fully remote position with, wink wink, unlimited PTO. I'd love to say I took the job for my personal growth, but honestly, it was remote, and I was pleased with the PTO and pay. This job introduced me to the world of Consulting and IT at a start-up. It turns out that I am a corporate animal, so this transition was rough. We can discuss that later. The good news is that the job started me down the path of trying to figure out what I would enjoy. Spoiler alert: it was not that job.

One bone of contention throughout my marriage had been my desire to travel against his desire to NOT travel. Now that I was solo, I became obsessed with the possibility of traveling. Great, a new goal, Goal #5. Instinctively, I knew this was a primary goal. Eventually, my goals would align, and I'd see a clearer vision of my desired life. After my mom passed, I couldn't get New Mexico out of my mind. My mom and her brother grew up in New Mexico (Clovis, to be exact), and I'd spent every Christmas, numerous summers, and Spring Breaks in the mountains of Northern New Mexico. Taos, Angel Fire, Sipapu, Red River, and Santa Fe carried visceral memories with them (along with Willie Nelson's Stardust album). I wanted to try out working remotely away from my house. Santa Fe was my solution, so I booked a week there in January 2023. That was a fateful trip for many reasons, bringing me to the purpose of this blog. Working is fulfilling, but only if I can do it "my way." I will spend most of 2023 figuring out what "my way" means and learning to listen to my inner voice.

At almost 59, I finally know what I want to do. I want to work remotely so I can work from anywhere. I want to control my time off, and I want to work interesting gigs.

With this blog, I hope to share all my ups and downs as I build a life focused on Peace, Family & Friends, Travel, and Reading. Becoming a remote, gig-focused worker at 59 will be an exciting journey. Every gig and trip transforms me, brings my books to life, provides peace, expands my mind, and fills a hole in my heart that I didn't know existed. I hope to share my travels and learnings with all of you, and maybe someone else will be inspired. Honestly, if I'm shouting into the void, that's fine too.